© 2018 designed by Tobi Ewing

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all site photography by Tobi Ewing unless otherwise stated

It's 10pm Sunday night and I have barely covered all I wanted to have accomplished by today... even the self care stuff.
(supposed) to-do list:
- update/rearrange/review portfolio (...again)
- start reading "Creative Entrepreneur" 
-clean the bathrooms (surprisingly the thing I did do)
-prepare cover letters/resume
Ever have that one big task that makes you freeze up for the entire day allowing you to stall on every other thing? Even things not even related?!
I'm having one of those days. I am 20 tabs deep with marketing/communications/design jobs I want to apply for. Except, I have not applied nor prepared my cover letters for any of them. Last night, I purposely did all the digging and researching and narrowing of all the jobs I'm interested in and companies I want to work for.
I called myself "getting ahead", "setting myself up for success" haha hi-lar-ious 
Am I shocked by my weekend long stall? Not a bit. 
See, thing is, I'm applying for positions I actually care about. These aren't positions to solely pay the bills. These aren't just other space holders on my resume. Not saying I have a resume of mess, I've been blessed to have many great jobs and opportunities, but I have always been that person that's had a billion interests therefore I've had many journeys. Now I'm at a point where I have a clearer idea of what I want to be when I grow up: an Art Director! The perfect job for me to combine my skills and interests in illustration, photography, brand identity and business! (quick plug check me out at tobiewing.com... ok back to my fake-sad post)
All of my professional experience has been in corporate fashion retail amongst various positions: fabric operations, product development, production planning, even a stint in visual merchandising for a home decor brand. And although I've been good at these positions they aren't, individually, my life's passion. And as a passionate person I'm all about like... passion. So of course it kills me to think I could live my God given, precious life in a cubicle doing what I just happen to be good at. Hell no!
2017 was the year of discovery for me (that'll be in another post), but to sum it up I learned a lot about myself, "adult" Tobi and I took A LOT of chances. Part of my prayers and challenge-to-self was to consider my skills and interests and where I want to take them... then take them seriously. I get caught up in my head sometimes, because I don't have the typical education/path of other designers. I'm doing a lot of work to stop self-doubt and just do it, even if that means doing it in fear!
As I work on redirecting my thinking I realize, these are not 20 tabs of doubt and rejection, these are 20 tabs of opportunities. 20 opportunities I've prayed for, manifested for, took on creative projects and built a portfolio for, earned a visual design certification for. When I think about it, it's like why are you acting confused?? lmao Girl you did the work might as well just go for it... all the way! 95% of what I've done and earned, I've done through fear, so it's not that I haven't been here before and I know I'll get through it successfully and with a clearer mind. But sometimes you just have to hype yourself up and shut yourself up and slow your roll. Focus.
What I learned today is that even in moments of self-doubt there is STILL space and time for self-love and praise through self-awareness. I got this sh*t. You got this sh*t. I will be carefully placed where God and universe see fit! Whether that's at an agency or in a total different direction. And you'll do all you want to do too!
What's held you up lately? What's your "hype up" technique to help you move through fear?
With love,
Tobi

Tobi Ewing is an illustrator, photographer, writer and self love advocate. Tobi is also the founder of Beyond the Clouds, a brand creating space for poc, women and qtpoc folk to BE WELL. As a queer, black woman and artist, she aims to create creative and wellness space for black and brown marginalized communities. Tobi loves food, practicing art, Netflixing, laughing and building with her community.

Keep up with her on Instagram, @_tobiwithaneye.